Love is a battlefield
If you are anything like me, you have a rather long list of disappointing relationships, and your heart bears the scars of having survived a battlefield. Because experiencing heart ache and heart break seems to happen to me so often, I feel like a "broken-heart veteran" of sorts-- armed with my own arsenal of survival skills. Having recently been unceremoniously dumped this past week, and Valentine's Day around the corner, I thought: what better time to share with you some of my personal tried and true tips for healing your heart? These tips have helped me recover in the past, and I certainly intend to take heaping slices of my own advice this week!
Tip #1 The power of delete
If you truly want to move on and have a fresh start, I highly recommend going into major delete mode; Delete! Delete! DAH-lete! Delete photos off facebook, off of your phone, delete texts, and delete emails. Do whatever you need to do to erase reminders of your Ex from your life as much as possible. If you happen to be the sentimental type, it's okay to save pictures, texts and emails etc... just keep them in a hidden, safe place for now. This may sound extreme to some, and I disagree. It's not mean, it's not malicious. It's doing some spring cleaning; physically and mentally. You have a better chance of a healthy, clean break if you do. There is hardly anything worse than trying to get over someone only to have constant reminders of them everywhere you turn. These triggers and reminders will slow down your healing. You will have to let go sometime, and by taking matters into your own hands, you are empowering yourself to let go of the past, and move forward.
TIP #2 Cry, Baby Cry
It's important to own your emotions; accept the various waves of feelings as they come your way, and ride them out. Frequently, that emotion is extreme sadness, and along with it the need to have a really good cry. I have found, that it's best not to fight it, because it will all come out eventually. Interestingly, studies have shown that crying has been scientifically proven to make you feel better. The basic reason being that the body releases toxins we've built up after a stressful situation when we cry, in addition we also release endorphins. Crying, in essence, is our bodies' natural way of dealing with pain, and healing itself. With this science behind you, you should feel freed from any shame! Silently sob, or do the "ugly cry", listen to your favorite sad songs on endless repeat, watch tear-jerker movies, and wallow. Eventually the tears will run dry, and you will feel a lot better.
TIP #3 Lets have a Kiki!
TIP #4 Make a "Reasons to be glad we broke up" List
Quite simply, start thinking about and writing down all the less than desirable qualities your Ex-significant other had. Think of all the reasons why this break up is a good thing and write those down too. Don't forget to include those little things that person did, that you found incredibly annoying or unattractive. If your Ex had a lazy eye, suffered from a case of bacne or had less than impressive family jewels---focus on that! Keep this list handy-- because you will need reminders on days when you are feeling sentimental and looking at your Ex through rose-colored lenses. Read your list frequently, and especially whenever you feel tempted to text or call them.
TIP #5 Work it!
Living well, they say, is the best revenge. I know it's hard, because you'd probably rather stay home and cry into a bowl of ice cream, and if you are anything like me, you'd rather poke yourself in the eye with an ice pick than go to the gym. So here is some info to help you get motivated. By exercising you can literally work out your grief- through cardio, running or kick boxing. You can sweat it out, work out your anger, blow off steam and relieve stress all at the same time. On top of that, your reward will be double fold: not only will you get kick of feel-good hormones in your brain such as serotonin and norepinephrine, but you will also feel good emotionally because you are taking charge! Lastly, you will have the benefit of knowing that you look even more smoking hot now, than you did before. How's that for motivation?
Tip #6 Make a "Don't Need You!" Playlist
Tip #7 Write positive, love notes--to yourself!
One of the hardest things about a break up, is the abrupt loss of positive affirmations. When you are in a relationship, you get used to the frequent exchange of words of love, compliments and support and then suddenly---it all stops! I say, what's wrong with a little self-love? I have pink, heart-shaped post-its, but any kind of post-it will do. Write down positive, uplifting notes to yourself and post them on your mirrors where you can see them every day while you are getting ready. Even if it sounds silly and narcissistic- I dare you to try it for a week and see if you don't find yourself in a better mood, and feeling more optimistic. The affirmations need to be present-tense, positive, short and specific. And there is science to back it up too! Daily positive affirmations send messages to our brain and create pathways that say: this is how things are, and our subconscious receives these messages, accepts them, and makes them a reality. If you want to love again, you need to love yourself first. This is the first step!
#8 Pursue your passions
Throwing yourself into your work will make you a better employee, but will it make you a better, more joyful person? We all know that we are happier when our life is in balance: a balance of work, and of play. Now is the perfect time to dive into a hobby you've been neglecting or the perfect time to try something new that you've been afraid to do. Whatever it is: dance lessons, surfing, painting, singing lessons, magic tricks, taking up golf-- whatever the case may be. Just dust off your dance shoes, surf board, your paint brushes, or sports equipment and do it! Spending time doing things you enjoy is really important! Its therapeutic, it takes your mind of things, it gives you opportunity to meet new people, and it creates new experiences. All of which results in making you a more well-rounded, interesting person who has a passion for life.
Tip #9 Fight the urge to go into hiding
I need this piece of advice more than anyone-- I am infamous for finding every excuse to stay in as it is--preferring Netflix over a nightclub any day, but right after a break up I have a strict rule: I have one week to wallow in my own pity-party, (traditionally involving back-to-back episodes of Sex and The City and a pint of ice cream). Withdrawal is a natural part of our fight-or-flight response--Choose to fight. After you've had your own pity-party in your own way, it's time to return back to the land of the living. Text your friends, coworkers and family- and tell them you are ready to come out of hiding. Peruse your closet for those outfits that make you feel irresistible to the opposite sex and put on your best cologne or perfume. Hit the town with your friends, go out dancing, go out to dinner, go to a bar, go to a concert--it really doesn't matter- just get out of the house! Forcing yourself to be in the company of others will help accelerate the healing process. In addition, meeting new people, and reconnecting with friends who have been by your side, will open opportunities to create fresh, and happy, new memories.
Tip #10 Be a really good friend to someone else
While in the midst of the throes of a tumultuous break up, it is very tempting to get completely wrapped up and immersed in our own little world of problems and hurt. The problem with this is, we get trapped in our own head in the process- and that level of self-involvement inhibits our own happiness. If we stop to look around for a minute- we have an opportunity to forget our own troubles and uplift someone else. Have you ever found yourself super grateful and appreciative to someone else who has reached out to you--when you were feeling especially low, and really needed it? I know I have. Be that someone, who reaches out to another even if you don't know them that well. Just offer them your company or a listening ear. It's as simple as that. Maybe you lost a significant other. So what? Relationships come and go with the weather. But if you try to be compassionate and the kind of friend you would like to have, you may just gain a life-long friend in the process.
